So, I could be staying in China. Yes! A really real new start. Can’t get any newer, crazier, scarier or more exciting than heading down to Foshan, on my own, in August, to live in my own little studio apartment (yes provided for me by the company), paying bills, living on my own. That is CRAY CRAY. And I’m so bloody excited to start that journey. It will be so big and different compared to anything I have ever done before. It’s daunting, but maybe not as daunting as it should be? I feel like I can handle it and I’ll be fine. Hopefully I’d be more than fine. Hopefully I’ll find my place in Foshan, live and thrive there, make new friends, put myself out there, actually do things and make the most of it. It would be another year away from the UK, another year in China, another year where I’m able to travel, explore and see more of this side of the world. And actually with more money this time! Yes I’d be paying bills, food, and medical. But That would still leave me with about 10,000/9,000rmb a month which is over double what I get a month in total now, before anything goes out. So [I don’t even believe this myself as I type it] I could theoretically even save some money! Which would be amazing, or I could just clear the debts I’m in with various family members. And no doubt that would be even more after I’ve had to pay for the flight out, and my visa, whichever way I end up doing that, because with traveling with Shelb this July, and doing various things this summer while home, I’m going to be literally skint. If not even beyond broke and having to borrow even more money from family. Which I cannot let myself do, it’s not fair for me to constantly rely and depend on family just so I can do more things. I need to get my head out of the mindset of “Oh my god I want to do that! I have to do that! Money will sort itself out somehow. I’ll never actually struggle…” I need to snap out of that mentality. I hate using the phrase, I need to grow up. Because I don’t think it’s that, maybe it’s just a poor choice of words. I’m just not ready to give up living, experiencing and doing things, just because the last 2 jobs I’ve had paid so god dam badly. However, I guess that’s not the main issue. I do spend. I spend a lot. Yes most/some of the time it’s on incredible things like travel, bungy jumps, sky-dives, elephant volunteering etc. But other times, and probably mostly, it’s on crap I don’t need. I just want. Such as, extra food, DVDs (obviously), clothes, bags, random junk which I seem to accumulate everywhere I go… I also need to stop just handing out money left right and center, I pay for taxis, or more than half the food, deposits etc., as if I have all the money in the world. No Parker. You do not.

I feel like I’ve made a step in the right direction though, choosing the Foshan position over Guangzhou. City center or more money? I know that if I was in the city I would probably end up spending more money that I didn’t have anyway. Plus, Foshan, although quieter and further out, is more money, and will give me more of a chance to really live in China and experience it in a very different way compared to this year. I’m excited for all it has to offer. I feel that making the choice for more money rather than convenience/comfort is probably the first good adult decision I’ve made in my life. Go me! I’m now more internally stressed than I think I’ve ever been. And it’s still not that bad (I honestly do think I am missing a few emotional plugs somewhere inside me).

• Trainee Clinical Photographer.
• 2 Years.
• £21,909 to £28,462 per year.
• Postgraduate Certificate in Medical Illustration.

I’ve never seen a position so perfect for me. Scary. But perfect. No idea if I’m even going to be in the running for the 2 slots they have available. But. God. I’ve never been more excited and terrified about an opportunity that would really benefit me and my future career. This is a proper real position. Like, really real. Education and work wise, this is as real as it will ever get for me. This could be the moment I find what I’m going to do with my life. And I think that’s what’s terrifying me. I’m not ready for that yet. Give me another year or 2, and I’m there! But I’d have to give up my chances of living and working here in China, and just how easy it is to travel. And that would honestly be heartbreaking for me. I’ve got my adult head on, and I know in both head and heart that this Trainee Clinical Photography position is a thing I CANNOT let pass me by without applying. I’ve waited so long, but I’m glad I’ve waited.

I’ve been able to work with Tempest and Dulwich. Which have both given me so much in various ways. I wouldn’t change my experiences for anything. But again, I don’t know if I’m ready to give up these experiences. Yes I know that if I were to be lucky enough to be interviewed, I may not even get it, but if in some miracle way, I do. Then this would be a huge adventure and challenge all of its own. Probably the biggest and toughest I’ll ever have. But. It’s taking away my chance to travel in my 20s. Something I’ve set my heart on since I was a teenager, and thankfully have been able to do, so far. Even while in education and with Tempest I was able to go to Egypt, New Zealand, Borneo, China, Paris, Amsterdam, Interrail, etc. And now while being here; Shanghai, Sanya, Hong Kong, New Zealand, Beijing, Cambodia, Huangshan, Xi’an etc. That’s crazy! I’m so dam lucky to have been able to experience all these beautiful places. And I’m selfish. I want to see more. I don’t want it to stop there. I want to be able to go to Harbin Ice Festival, Nanjing, Korea, the Philippines, just more and more places here in the East. And I will never get a better opportunity than living and working here in China.

That’s what Foshan has to offer me. The work will be a challenge and a bonus in itself, working with Chinese little kids, teaching them English. From Shelby, I know how tiring, yet incredible that will be. But for me. It’s more about the stepping out on my own, the challenge of setting up a life somewhere new, something I’ve never been given the chance to do, and of course, the big one. The traveling opportunities. If I take this position in Cardiff (look at me talking as if it’s only down to whether I take it or not and not the fact that 1000’s of others will have applied and probably with much more experience, and Welsh than me) I’m giving all that up. At only 23. And, to me, that is scarier than anything I’ve ever done. Scarier than jumping off a bridge, out of a cable car or a plane. Scarier than becoming single and moving out of the flat. Scarier than taking on my final year of uni in a new place and a new college. Scarier than absolutely anything. I know that it would be incredible, the best thing for me educational and career wise, but I don’t want to deep down, and I mean deep down, regret it. Regret that it took all that away from me. Regret that it stole my 20’s and my prime time I had set aside to travel. Regret that it will have brought me back to the UK, something I have been adamant against doing this whole year. “I don’t know what I want to do, or where I want to go. I just know that I do not want to go back to Europe. That’s a definite.”

All this stress will probably be for naught (as the mother from Brave would say in a lovely Scottish accent). I’m so confused and torn how to be about this! I’ve not even sent the application off yet (I have less than 48 hours), and I’m stressing about what I do when/if I get it. Talk about getting ahead of myself. When did I become this person? Someone who worries about something that isn’t even here yet, and may never be? That’s not me. I guess it shows just how much this opportunity means to me. I’m just being selfish and spoilt I guess. As always, I want it all, and don’t feel willing to sacrifice anything to get it.

This is one hell of a ramble. Sat here at my desk on a Monday morning, nothing in my diary to do today, apart from finish the application and send it off. Sam has kindly offered to read it during here free period at 10.15am (home time), so about 5.15pm here. So that gives me (and Leah, a lot of help from the lovely ever sweet Leah) to finish it up and get a final draft ready to send to Sam. I can then get it back from Sam before her lunch time, and get it all sent off tonight. THEN I guess I can do nothing but sit, wait, and stress some more. It will be out of my hands, nothing else I can do then. No idea when or if I will hear back. Heading into the unknown again, on the job front anyway.

I’ve been very fortunate in my life regarding jobs, courses etc. Despite my marathon of declines for Nursing, I have been fortunate enough to have succeeded in all applications and interviews. I constantly have that feeling in my life, where I know things are going, and have been too easy and simple for me. So something must go wrong, and when it does, I think it’s going to be catastrophic. Catastrophic in my mind anyway, the rest of the world will go on, everyone will act normal in their everyday lives, but my little bubble of life will be shattered. I’m constantly on the edge of the cliff, balancing, waiting for the extra strong gust of wind that pushed me off balance, I lose my footing, and fall. Fall dam hard. Again, I am fortunate enough to know I have an every supportive and strong network of friends and family that will care for me, help me and support me when I do fall. And they will do all they can to assist with my climbing back up. I just hate relying on others to do my dirty work. And I guess, by dirty work, I mean support, mainly emotional. God this is getting deep. This is dangerous. If I start blurting all my deepest thoughts and feelings when I sit down at a laptop and start typing (listening to the album Queen Forever probably doesn’t help, we all know how emotional Freddie makes me – another unknown issue there), this is going to be very boring and longwinded for anyone who reads it. But hey, as life should be, I’m doing this for myself, not for the entertainment of others.

So that’s it for now. First, very long, blog entry posted. Charlie Parker OUT *mic-drop*